we made out on top of his cat.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
