There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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