i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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