remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
