Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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