I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
