Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Randomize
