you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
