So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
