I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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