Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize