Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
