I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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