My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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