I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
