how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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