Having a random hookup so left but love u
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
