census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
