There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
