Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
