So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
