We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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