Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
