I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
