You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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