I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
