Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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