he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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