Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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