Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize