Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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