I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My breasts were aching with rage.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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