thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
