So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
