Got a toothbrush?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
