Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
