RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
