Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
