I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
