I'm pants shitting drunk right now
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
