he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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