summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
