I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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