A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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