This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
