I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
