and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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