I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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