Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
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