just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
