SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
