I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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