my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
