So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
