i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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