i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
