All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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